Daily prompt #1 - Brace Yourselves.
July 16, 2013I feel like my little blog here has been neglected, and I've got time. So why not undergo a 30 day blog prompt challenge thing? Cool. This post is pretty long, so I won't be offended if you don't read, but here is prompt #1 (feel free to join in on this blog prompt-ness.):
#1: How
have I changed in the past 2 years?
Let’s
start at the beginning (JULY 16, 2011):
Two years ago from now I was just freshly graduated
from high school. Senior year was interesting; I lost a ton of friends by
allowing myself to be too involved in a relationship at the time, so my Summer
had consisted of spending time with said boy and the few friends I somehow managed
to maintain (shout out to my girls Dev, Mia, and Maddy). July 16th,
2011 (if I remember right) was almost, if not the exact date, of what was the
designated conclusion of this relationship. I sat and cried for hours upon
hours, even had to have my mom come pick me up because I couldn’t drive. I was that broken at the time. I don’t
remember how many hours, or days, that I laid in my bed trying to soak in what
had happened. Eventually all emotion drained out of me to the point that I
could move, but not really feel. As dramatic as all this sounds, this was me
two years ago, and I’m trying to be as honest as possible here. Eventually I
moved up to college which was as planned, a new beginning. Surrounded by new
people, not having to see that one person
who had crushed my heart—at least not really. He was going up to Utah State,
but he wasn’t living in the same building as I and had no chance of being in
the same ward as me either. Upon moving up the first day it was discovered that
not only had this boy’s room/apartment building assignment been changed, but it
had been changed to the room across the hall from me. Usually, this wouldn’t be
that huge of a deal, but I think it’s incomprehensible for you readers to
comprehend the hurt I had felt from this person. I decided to try my best to be
an adult (because come on, I was 18 and in college guys. That makes you an
adult…right?) and be happy despite the situation. Well, things went from “happy”
and “good”, to bad, and then to worse. Real fast. Let’s just put it lightly and
say that I was destroyed. Somewhere along the way I lost who I thought I was,
who I wanted to be, and probably spent most of my nights crying trying to
figure out why and how my life had turned out the way it had, given the timing
of it all. I was not happy, and I felt as though happiness would never come. I
was very secretive during this time, not wanting my roommates or really anyone
to know how bad I was hurting. One night amidst this struggle I discovered some
things {which will go without being described} that altered the course of my
life. I asked for a priesthood blessing soon after from two dear friends I had
made up at school, who I really think of as angels if we’re being honest.
Things were said in that blessing that changed something within me. From that
point on, the story kind of goes in a better direction. I let God take care of
my life that I had no other means of fixing. That’s when I feel I truly got
converted, even though I had been a member for all my life. I never really understood
how God could heal our lives until I witnessed the miracles He provided for me—even
after much strife and pain. I found out that the greatest way for me to overcome any residual pain was through devoting my time and service to others, in particularly,
those who cannot help themselves.
Let’s
fast forward to a year later (JULY 16, 2012):
Similar
circumstance. A little “fling”, or whatever you want to call it, had just
ended. I was a little less broken than before, but still a little hurt
nonetheless. Previous, as in like 2 days before, to this whole ordeal, I had written myself this note:
Reason
for writing this note: Well, I dropped my $1500 laptop at work and cracked its
screen. Given the circumstance, I think people would have understood if I swore
or cried or launched something across the parking lot, but I paused..and chose
to react well, even though I understood that it could cost $600-$800 to fix my
computer. This was not a normal reaction for me regarding the circumstance, but
thanks to the fact that I had read an excerpt from C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity that previous spring titled “Rats in the Cellar”,
it popped in my mind during that moment and sort of changed my outlook in life,
it reads as follows:
“We begin to
notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our
sinfulness; begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we
are. This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my
own case. When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of
the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin
against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or
stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is
that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my
guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that
may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those
particular acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate
and premeditated. On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is
taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely
what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If
there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see
them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create
the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the
suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it
only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always
there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have
taken cover before you switch on the light.”
If I truly wanted to be a better person, I had to learn to react well despite my
unexpected poor circumstances. This experience and the note I wrote later
applied itself to my life, when this little relationship ended. I had to learn how to own up to my negative emotions,
and not let them govern my actions. And while it was hard, and I am nowhere
even close to being perfect at this concept, I’d say I’m doing a lot better job
than I used to be. I no longer believed that those who make me suffer, should likewise
feel poorly at the expense of my "emotionally based" actions. I no longer blame the wrong things I do and
say on my negative emotions, because at the end of the day, a negative reaction
is still a person’s choice. And on the bright side, my computer screen cost me $0 to fix, because it's still fully functioning with a cracked outer layer of glass {not the screen, after all}. I like to say it's because I chose to react well that I was blessed. Throughout the year of 2012, life continued. I ran a
marathon, which was something I always aspired to do growing up, but never
thought I’d be able to. I continued going to school, changed/added onto my
major, continued working and living life, a little happier than I was the year
before. Understanding things as they were, a little bit more than before, and
trusting in God a little bit more than before.
Let’s
fast forward to now (JULY 16, 2013):
My life in and of itself really hasn’t changed too much compared to a year ago, but I’ve changed more
than I can comprehend. These past few weeks have proven to be great learning
experiences. Right now I'm working full-time at a place called the National
Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Association, as well as being a part-time
legal secretary for Harris, Preston, and Chambers law firm--one of the biggest blessings I've received is this job. I learn so much from it each day. Besides things I've learned and continue to learn at my job, I’ve loved and lost
some more. I’ve discovered what types of things bring me the most joy. I’ve
learned that it’s okay to be alone sometimes. I’ve learned that despite how
others treat me, the feelings of forgiveness and love cover the hurt. I've learned that you have to protect yourself sometimes. I’ve
discovered that you can become friends with the most unlikely people and that
God answers prayers. I've learned that happiness is not circumstantial. I’ve learned that it’s more important to love, than it is
to be right & that no one is perfect—including myself, and that’s okay.
I am
happy, and I can say that my happiness is continually growing the older that I get--the more that I learn and come to understand.
& I’d say
that’s a pretty big change from 2 years ago.
-meg
1 ounces of lovin'
k, i'm a little late in reading this but i LOVE this. i am really enjoying these posts! keep 'em coming :) love you girl!!
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