the past 2 days something has occurred, & I feel the need to vent about it {typical}.

All through out elementary school & into junior high, there was this character who made my life a living hell. Of course I was made fun of by more than one person, but this person in particular seemed to call me fat & ugly any chance he got. I took the road of not confronting this person ever--Rather, I just ignored it to the best of my ability, even though I'd go home and cry most of the days. Even though at the end of junior high the name-calling had subsided, this person would try to be my "best bud", but in reality was taking advantage of my desire to be accepted so he could cheat off of my assignments, & you know what, I let him. It's a sad truth--but it is what it is. I wanted to do whatever I could to be accepted by this person who for so long made me believe I was worthless. I would say "allowed me to believe I was worthless", but let's be real here, when you are a child and people around you tell you that you are worthless, that you are ugly, that you are fat, you believe it. It's not so much a choice to have better self esteem, during that young age, a time in which your body image and self esteem are supposed to be built up, when instead mine was being torn down day after day.

I've never posted anything on this, in fact, it's not something I regularly tell people. I'll show people & we can laugh together at my ID cards because I understand, I had an awkward phase, and I'm able to laugh about that. But I don't let many people in about the fact that I was bullied almost everyday for my size in elementary school.

2nd grade scarred me. It legitimately pangs my soul to this day, of course I'm over it, but I remember vaguely this is when the majority of the teasing started happening. We were doing some sort of health lesson in which we had to weigh ourselves in front of our peers. I had been teased before for being "fat" before this moment, & I'll straight up say it, I was a little on the bigger side--so I wasn't exactly super confident in showing the entire class how much I weighed. I told my fellow classmates I wasn't going to do it, I didn't feel comfortable doing it for starters, & I wanted to avoid any embarrassment or bullying that would come from such a thing. A girl in my class went and told my teacher I was refusing to do the assignment {keep in mind, weighing ourselves was only 1 out of like 25 things we had to do, I felt find doing the other 24 or however many things there were}. Sitting here writing this out I can feel the embarrassment & hesitation I felt regarding this assignment, it is nearly drawing me to tears to write out, & I'm in public..whoops. Anyways, my teacher told me I had to weigh myself, or I'd get a zero on the entire assignment. I've always been someone who held my grades to a high standard {even though in 2nd grade, grades didn't really matter anyways..} so I stepped on the scale, I weighed exactly 80lbs.

"EIGHTY!?!?!? YOU WEIGH EIGHTY POUNDS!?!?" I can still hear exactly how it was said in my mind. I remember just staying quiet but wanting to just go home and cry. I knew the number was higher than it should have been, but there was no way I knew how to control it at the time. Which is the worst feeling in the entire world as a 7 year old. The feeling that you're being rejected or looked down on by all the people your age because of something you had no idea how to control. That feeling continued all throughout elementary.

I've always been one to put on a good face, elementary school was no exception. My way to cope was humor {which I know probably seems funny now because I'm in no way a "class clown" type anymore}, but people at least thought I was funny. I always managed to keep a smile on my face at school even when I'd receive birthday cards saying things like "so & so thinks you're fat"  even if it was crossed out, I could still read it. Or when I was referred to as "fat lady" on the playground, I had turned into some sort of villain to the people playing on it, they'd run when I came near. Or when this character I mentioned above told me he was going to draw a picture of me on the white board when it was a rainy day, so recess was inside. I'd be lying if I said that my smile wasn't faked when he drew me as big as the whole board. It's sad looking back on little "about me" worksheets from elementary school. So many of them say something about me "hating my fatty patty self" or that "no one would know that I go home and cry every day."

My intentions are not to post an extremely depressing, pity me kind of blog post, but to address the fact that there are so many things wrong with this world. So many people who are convinced that they are not enough, when they are. I've always chosen to take the higher road in hopes that I never ever make anyone feel the way that I did, of course I'm not perfect. but I'm trying. 

What promoted this deep post of mine? I got a message last night from the character I mentioned up above. He wanted to "catch up sometime" or "go out to lunch". My first initial reaction was, What thee??? Me & this person have had small talk, here & there the past few weeks--nothing of any substance. I always have chosen to be nice, regardless of what has happened in the past. I thought it was interesting though that he wanted to take me out. The kid who rejected me all throughout my childhood, was NOW wanting to take ME out?? I gracefully rejected him {& when I say gracefully, I mean it}, but told him thanks for the invite. The tables turned. Not that I was rejecting him necessarily as "revenge" for all those years he made me feel worthless, & made me feel like without looks, there was nothing I had in store for me. Now that I'm at a place where I'm content with how I look, I'll be real, I'm cuter than I was back in those days, but NOW that I'm in that place, he wouldn't mind getting to know me. & I'm not about that. Of course there were other reasons as to why I turned him down, but part of me in my head thought, "Never in a million years could I go out with someone who rejected my heart based off of how I looked"--which I understand is complete & utter tunnel vision, people have the ability to change, to mature, to be better people. & I can see from afar this "change" within this person to some extent. 

All throughout my years, this kid never apologized to me, not that he felt he needed to, or like me, he simply brushed it off his shoulders. & that is what we need to do in life so often.

People are not always going to apologize. 
But you gotta forgive, & "forget" anyhow. but remember to protect yourself in the process. & not allow that forgive & forget principle to blind you of being taken advantage of, or having more harm done.
It may seem like I haven't forgiven this fellow I have talked about, but I have. Of course the memories are still present & at times, emotions are felt when I reflect on them, but I am grateful that I've had the ability to be above them. & to treat people good, despite how they treat me. I encountered an almost more severe form of bullying within the past couple of years, I won't go into much detail, but the truth is, is that I'd be no better if I treated people poorly, based off of them treating me poorly. 

"Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, & persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?"