to be honest? i really don't expect anyone to even read this. i type this really just to get feelings out that are thrashing within the walls of my head, not so much as to have an audience.

this week i have been thinking a lot. & that's when i realized it was just monday. my bad.
i suppose the past week i have been thinking a lot about the people in my life who i have REALLY been able to sit down & chat with. & i'm not talking fluff. i'm talking those people who you can have chats with that leave you feeling satisfied after because either you've learned something about yourself, or you've been able to get something off of your chest that has been stewing inside of you for a long time. it is RARE that i come across people like this--people who have some sort of spirit or comfort within them, that makes me capable of lowering all of my walls. i can think of 3 people in which i've been able to feel that complete lack of insecurity, that feeling of comfort.

to the most recent person: it sucks how things are right now. the potential i see in you is through the roof, you have the capability to touch many many lives. i miss you. we can't talk like we used to--for lots of reasons. bad timing is probably the biggest reason things are the way they are right now. it makes it hard for me to know what to do.

to one of the most influential people in my life: it's incredible how often & how much i miss you. it seems like whenever things get bad, or i'm not feeling on top of things, my mind wanders to you. even when times are good, you pop into my head. i will always have a special kind of love and appreciation for you. why? you helped me see something in myself when i hadn't in so long. i am where i am right now partially because you sat down with me & talked to me, you gave my heart a chance when no one else seemed to. i will literally always look to you as someone who was an angel in my life & i'll always care a lot about you for that reason. it's a shame we can't talk like we used to, you've got a lot busier with the things in your life..but i have a feeling that this "friendship on hold" isn't going to be on hold for forever.

to the one who changed: you were my best friend. the only best friend i had ever felt like i had ever had. we could talk about everything and anything. we understood each other. but somewhere along the lines, you stopped caring about yourself or really anyone else around you. you stopped doing the things you were supposed to. i guess it makes sense that the person i had cared more for than anyone else on this earth, was also the person who would end up hurting me worse than anyone else ever has.

the only 3 people on this earth who i have fully been able to open up to, are gone. at least our relationship isn't the same as it used to be. & it literally kills me at times {thinking about it}. but then i really think about it..& realize..i've got someone even better to talk to. My Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for him, because often I feel really alone in a room full of people {who i usually even "know" & they "know" me}, but at the end of the day, my Heavenly Father is there to let me chat about all the little unsaid thoughts that I may have had, or all of the little silly things that bugged me, or things that made me happy. it makes me even more grateful to know that He'll NEVER leave my side. He's always going to care. To be honest, yea, i feel pretty alone here in this world, but I know I'm truly not alone when I look at a wider perspective of things. I love my best friend. and I really love His son. The power of the security they bring to me, makes up for the lack of security I really have surrounding me. I am just feeling really grateful for prayer lately. that is all for the night.